Venomous Snakes A.K.A Toxic People

Have you ever met people so negative that they drain you & leave you feeling exhausted & frustrated?  You feel anxious every time you see them & having conversation with them leaves you dry & dull. Spending few minutes with them literally ruins your day. And the things they say keep you up at night & sting you like bee. These are the people who we call Toxic. With every year passing I see that the most important thing in life is your inner peace. Because without it you can’t be happy no matter what you have in life. This inner peace is affected by surrounding of a person, mainly by the individuals that we interact with. Toxic people can not only steal that inner peace but also destroy your life.

These people live in their own self-created drama, prone to rages, complaints, and self-pity. They exhaust the people around them and play games of control, superiority, and victim hood. The intensity of toxicity varies some people are mildly toxic but when the concentration is high a person can be abusive. You need to identify them, they can be literally anywhere. Some signs that have been red flags for me are down below.

Victim hood:

Toxic people are self centered, it is always about them. To get what they want they would tell lies, play games, cheat, cause a shit ton of drama. They whisper things that trigger people to get what they want. And twist facts to make them look like a victim to get attention & sympathy. If you meet someone who has always been the victim in every situation they encountered & were always the one who were wronged by others. That may be a strong indicator of toxic person. They will never accept their own mistakes. Their friends left them, every partner cheated on them or ditched them, and it was their parents or friend’s fault. They did absolutely nothing wrong.

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Criticism:

Most of the toxic people you meet will be critics. They will not support you; they will find faults in everything you do. They will try to talk you out of things that make you happy. They are often going to be very competitive to an unhealthy extend. They attack you verbally & try to turn you down. If you are a person who wants to do something new they will go like “it’s not possible for you”, “you are not smart enough” “he/she is way out of your league stop day dreaming”. They try to belittle you & tell you that you cannot achieve a certain goal by either reminding you of an old failure or making a joke about your weakness or flaw. A person should know how to tell if someone is a friend who is joking or a snake who says hurtful things to demoralize you.

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Never Apologize:

They never ever take the responsibility for their actions; never admit that they have done something wrong. They never say sorry to others even when they know they have hurt people. They have a lot of broken friendships & relationships. And in every story the world was just against them they will even start thinking that you are against them. If they come off as some saint who never hurt anyone but came across the worst people in life, it is a sign because the genuine people do not throw dirt on others. They will make you feel guilty about everything. They will at times blame you for the things going wrong, everything will be your fault and you will be constantly apologizing. They will make you feel like you are a bad person by acting like you hurt them. Watch out for crocodile tears especially when dealing with a female.

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Bad Mouthing:

They are often very insecure, and in that insecurity they would go around spreading rumors about you. They may be nice to you in person but when they are not with you. They call you names; try to distort your image in front of others by throwing shade because they cannot stand you having validation, importance & love. They can never keep secret & they bitch about anyone & everyone. Toxic people are not supportive as friends. As partners they will never be happy with your wins or see it as their own. They criticize you because they do not care about your feelings they just want you to suffer because internally they are not happy.

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Cruelty

They are cruel they say things that they know are hurting your feelings, they do this purposely. Remind you of a past traumatic event, your failures, or painful experiences. They would focus on how bad you are as person & how you do not deserve what you have. They do not have empathy & compassion. They are not just mean but soul sucking pain causing mean. They will try to sabotage the things that mean something to you. They will not hesitate in breaking your bonds with people you love.

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Over reaction

They give sudden outbursts of aggression. They do not respect you; they may even yell at you curse you in public to humiliate you; they make you feel like shit, they will not support you. At worst a toxic person can become abusive both verbally & physically. They become controlling and may try to isolate you from your friends, family & everyone. So that they can be your first priority but you will not be theirs. They would be offended if you do not do what they say and they will behave badly.

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Remember they can be anywhere they may even be the people who you have known for years. Life is too short to deal with people who do more harm than good, stunt your growth, leave you wounded, betrayed, beaten, torn apart & take away the chance of you having a prosperous & fulfilling life. The best thing to do is to cut them off. No matter how hard you try you cannot change them they would remain same pricks. You need to distance yourself if you want a stress & drama free life. People in life should be a source of reducing your stress not causing more of it.

Stop making excuses for their abusive nature; if they keep repeating, it isn’t a mistake but a behavior. It took me a very long time to understand that I needed to cut them off of life. It is easy to do when the person is someone you just met. But hard when it is someone you actually care about & have known for years. Remember self respect is very important, anyone who does not respect your boundaries or tries to walk all over you should not be accepted. People treat you the way you let them treat you. With life’s highs and lows you need people who actually care about you not venomous snakes.

“The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play”

Why I Deactivated My Instagram!

My Social addiction had gone to an extend where I would spend every waking minute on my phone. I’m a social media junkie I admit it. I wouldn’t be able to stay away from it. Lately with my 2 Insta accounts, Facebook, Snapchat, WordPress there was too much going on in life. I spend a hell lot of time scrolling & having meaningless conversations with people other then those close to me. Things had gone bad & I didn’t even realize it. I procrastinated to an extend where I’d only do the things I had to do few minutes before deadlines.  Which gave me a lot of stress. It wasn’t just affecting my academic, most of my friends haven’t seen for so long other then in university. After classes  I spend all my time in creating content & getting reaction on my social media.

One day my mom mentioned how I don’t spend time with the family anymore, my sister & I hadn’t had a proper conversation for so long. People were mad at me, or maybe they were hurt. I didn’t give time to anyone or anything other than the device in my hand. I also felt lost I didn’t know where I was going in life. I had no time to reflect on life. My goals were blurry. I was just spending day after day going nowhere. Every time I’d connect my phone to wifi it would buzz for the next 30 seconds. Till all notifications were there, it started to give me stress & replying & responding to everything started to feel like an obligation or a chore.

Despite of my love for social media that is my ultimate supply of dopamine, a neurological chemical that is a pleasure drug. I realized talking to my good friend Saad. I needed to get a hold of everything. Things were out of control my addiction was too deep. I had started to lose the real connection with people. So I decided to turn it off. For a while obviously I don’t think a person like me will ever be able to live without my internet world. This is the major part of who I’m & I can’t separate myself from it. First few days were okay, but then it started the urge to create. I had deleted apps from my phone other then what’s app. I would unlock my phone and stare at it like potato. I started to feel frustrated with the fact that I wasn’t making any story.

I tried to divert my attention spend quality time with people, have real conversations with them. Spend more time with my family more face to face time then facetime. I have been genuinely happy lately. This made me realize how much I needed to cherish the life outside my phone’s screen. I missed making most out of moments. This break also taught me how much I loved to share my stories with others. I’ve always been a story teller and with social media my stories weren’t just limited to my friends. Now I remember why I started doing this and it’s no longer some sort of chore soical media is my hobby. But I really need to watch the amount of time that goes into it.

So that I’m not missing out on real life pretending to have a perfect digital life.

Guys stay with me there’s some good stuff coming in soon now that I’ve got clarity about life. And like always I’d document it for you. Really appreciate your thoughts on everything. And a Huge Thank you to people who sent me messages & called me why I wasn’t on Instagram. Here I am people & I promise I’ll try to be better then who I was!

They may NEED you more than you think!

Do you know people who everyone loves? Someone who they’d rather be with than anyone else. Why because they listen to them & they not only listen but because they care. These people are often found surrounded by people or very lonely depending on their personality.

And most of the times they are lonely despite of being surrounded by everyone.

Can you recall a friend that is often found with people crying on their shoulder or telling sad stories to? That certain someone that everyone seem to like to be around. You see them with the nicest of the people but you also see them with the people you consider monsters & they’d be the same with all. You often found people at ease with them. And you too find yourself at ease with them. Like you could tell them anything & they would listen to you.

You often see them helping everyone, even people who don’t like them. People that are stranger to them. They would go out of their way to help people, even animals. And you think if they are crazy or stupid. But they do this because they are an Em-path. According to the common definition empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Get it ? No. Well you have heard putting yourself in others shoes right, these people don’t just put themselves there they even walk for the other person. Which mostly harms them cause only certain number of people return the favor &  others become ungrateful of them or just leave them after they get fixed.

You often see them depressed or sad because one of the friends had something tragic happening in his/her life. Or they just saw an accident or a poor person in the way. They don’t pretend to be nice & angelic to deceive others. You can figure this out by whether they have let down people in the past or not. You will often see people saying good about them more than bad. But what most people forget to figure out is what is going on within them.

I know people like this so this person has many friends & spends most time with them. One after another people would come & tell them things. People look for them when they have a slight inconvenience in life. They are everybody’s care taker. When this person reaches home the family has its own issues, a lot of people coming in with their problems. Why? because they have no one to go to either. And how many people do you think care these days. Who would you go to ? Someone who cares right. Result is the person absorbing all the things & going to bed tired & depressed. They have so many scenarios in the head & they try to dig up solutions for everyone, that they forget themselves & people forget their needs too.

They sometimes isolate themselves because they need some alone time, when they aren’t dealing with other people’s problems. It becomes too much for them always being there for everyone. They just get tired of listening to everyone’s story & trying to help them heal. They forget to take care of themselves & you will too because to you they would seem like someone who is always strong. For an Empath, putting on a grumpy face doesn’t keep people they barely know from drawing near and seeking compassion and empathy from them. The ill, the suffering, the weak; they are all drawn to the unconditional understanding and compassion an Empath emits. And Empaths emit it whether they want to or not.

I cannot stress the following enough: There is nothing fun about being an Empath. It’s often a very draining and miserable existence in which you feel like you have to be entirely alone in order to survive. It is not glamorous, it is not exciting and it is painful more often than not. You should try to ask these people about how they are doing? If they are ok? Often times they end up breaking down from time to time because they keep it all in. If you love someone like this give them space, at times they are not avoiding you they are just trying to be on their own because they don’t have energy to deal with other people’s issue. Let them speak too. Try to listen to them. Don’t try to change them they won’t stop feeling for others.

Don’t try to control them or cage them from other people this will suffocate them. Let them do things for people. Be honest with them the betrayal they feel from being lied to, is something that will take a very long time to recover from. It can, and most likely, will ruin your relationship. Just be honest or you might lose them for good. They take love with animals (pets) too seriously don’t compete in love with their animals if they have any. They would be having fun & you might see their eyes wet just because they saw a picture of war.

If you start to get insecure from them they might start burning low for you for a while. I have seen people like them lowering themselves just so their friends, siblings or partner will feel better if they let them be better at something. But they will realize in time that they are under performing for you & they aren’t living up to their potential. This will lead them into becoming depressed. They will walk out eventually. Don’t take advantage of their love, they aren’t blind they see it all. Be there for them, listen to them, love them.

Take from them, they would love to be the giver in a relationship but also let them be on the receiving end. They may need it more than you think!

 

 

2017 In A BLOG!

I can say that 2017 was my year. After 2 rough years this year of my life was more of a recovery year. A year of personal growth, learning life long lessons, getting better & most importantly realizing the importance of people in my life. Every December, I tend to get a bit depressed because of some reason, it is like a dark night for me, & January comes like a bright morning full of joy and full of life. Last year in the beginning of January; I had semester break, I really did nothing productive in that gap. Watched movies, TV series, met some friends & family I had not got a chance to meet in a while.
26114204_1528609983949480_2994462257243567315_nThis one day we went out for some work. It was cold cloudy winter morning & we decided to go to beach later. That was one of the best days of my life. There were no people it was too early, too cold for anyone to come there. While my mother sat in the car, I and my sister went to the shore.  We completely lost it we ran here & there screaming. Took photos made videos & we felt alive. Here is the link to video: [https://www.facebook.com/Hanikaarak/videos/1105228459620970/]

One this day I realized how important it is to live the moment to take time out to savor the nature’s beauty, to cherish the presence of family.

To live rather than merely surviving.

15965740_1105877036222779_700493228602698837_nThen few days later I went out with my school friends to an amusement park. It had been raining that day, so we decided to go at night. It was a cold winter night, the road were still wet at places. Fewer people were there at the park making it more fun. That was one of the best nights ever. I felt like a happy kid again with my old friends I realized how much I loved to be around them. We all have been busy in our new lives after school, but I understand how important it is to take time out and be with people who really make you happy and love you. That night we were high on joy, we went back to being kids from school who enjoyed the rides & neon lights, for getting a glimpse of it, here is the link to my video. [https://www.facebook.com/Hanikaarak/videos/1106393446171138/]

16142783_1117329535077529_6753157259975981156_nLast week of January was the best. I got 4 surprises on my birthday. First from my family at midnight. Second was from my friends in College. It was such an overwhelming experience to see that I had bonded with some people in such short amount of time. I realized that I got lucky & found some real gems who did kind gestures to bring smile on my face. I learnt that if you show some kindness to people you get multitudes of it in return and good people in general love you a lot if they get love in return. Third surprise was when I came home to one of my old friends was already here with cake, candles & warm hugs. While she was there another of my friends came & I cut 2 cakes at once. That night I cried to sleep I hadn’t been more happy in my entire life. I was grateful to Allah for giving me all of this, after I thought I wouldn’t be able to be happy again. Here is the video if you want to see it. [https://www.facebook.com/Hanikaarak/videos/1117296085080874/]

I learnt that all wounds heal & things get better.

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Later half of the year was spent doing the routine things. I had become numb for some reason. I was really able to connect with people. There were some good days, but on the whole it was more of time passing by at fast pace. More and more realizations about life, people, world! I struggled with my grades, friendships & inner peace. I was starting to get a bit too bitter about life.

26060391_1529415580535587_895162302446261197_oI had some friends who gave me love more than someone like me deserved, I started to get better. I started to be more quite, I started realizing that some things from past were haunting me & making me sad. The College life had completely taken over & most of my old friends were busy in their lives. I kind of feel guilty for not making more effort to reach out to them. I did catch up with many of them later this year, but I wish I had done it earlier. Despite all this there were some moments that were magic, time with new friends was priceless. They made me feel special, made me laugh & listened to all my stories. Life was good.
17904382_817832151697380_4506078868457741443_nLater things got a little out of hand I started losing some friends. Was it painful? Yes, awfully painful! but was it a good thing? Yeah,definitely! With time I realized that some people are only toxic & it is better to let them go. I became more & more self reliant, I was surprised at people who stayed with me during this phase. I realized that these were the people who deserved my absolute best because they handled my worst behavior.  How did I cope up with all this? I wrote. Not as much as I should have but enough to keep me going now that I am writing this blog & reading everything I’ve written. There’s one line constant “Get your shit together/Get you life together”, and boy was I successful. No! I struggled with the same thing all the year until recently. I opened up about things to everyone close to me & they helped me face the truth.

One great lesson that I learnt this year was to be there for myself. Hold my own hand when things get hard & be at peace with myself.

26236662_1529448587198953_413282553_o.pngThen came the last four months of the year. These months changed everything. These were the months when I realized how important self-love is. How important it is to get out of the comfort zone. How important it is to do something everyday to make the  day count. To actually live & feel life. To cherish the presence & acknowledge the absence. To learn to love people from distance. I met few old friends & spent quality time with recent friends. I was healing getting better with time. I spent some time of the year reading books. It blew my mind helped me see the world from other perspective & books helped me get the answers of questions in my life. So I married the library & we’ve had a good relationship so far.

26235098_1529488737194938_1949118361_nOctober was very busy & happy month. I went places this month, met a lot of friends, went out of my comfort zone, spent quality time with friends & family, saved a kitten named it Patches, gave speech in front of a room full of strangers, cracked jokes & made them laugh, took lots & lots of photos. Learnt how important it is to explore new places, meet old friends, how loving people & animals can make life so much better. I also learnt how important it was to constantly analyze your progress & be willing to change with time. To be at peace with self & not compare myself to others. To be content with loneliness & not seek validation from other people, and understood that I should be myself no matter what anyone says.

 

 

26241404_1529501343860344_1724905937_nAnd then came November, I started writing blogs. This changed my life, for the first time my words were not confined to my personal journal. I was surprised to see that people actually liked my words. I always knew I could write but I never thought I was good enough writer. When people told me that they could relate to things I had written I felt like I mattered. It made me so happy. Then I got over one of my biggest fear stage fright, my first blog was about it too. I spoke to an auditorium full of people & this time my voice didn’t shake & my legs weren’t jelly. I had immense support from my friends & without them this wouldn’t have been possible. I learnt that all you need is some courageous to face the fears, it sure keeps you up at night makes you anxious & nervous, but it makes life worth living. It gives you self admiration & you start to view your potential. My blog & Instagram helped me share that moment with my people & it made the whole thing a much deeper powerful experience.

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I realized that sharing makes things way better it gives more joy than the effort & sacrifice it takes to share things with people.  I met my best friend after 7 years it was the most happy moment. Seeing her after years literally made me cry tears of joy. Made me go back to who I was years ago. See how far we’ve come & what has changed.

 

December the last month of the year always has an impact on me I become very emotional & weird in this month. It has something to do with the previous years. I have my semester finals. All in all it was an intense month, draining life out of me. In the end I spent some time connecting with people close to me, spent two days with my Best Friend, and some time with my family. Talked to some people I hadn’t talked to in years, also talked to some who I had never talked to before. Slowly things begin to fall at place. I started to be at peace with everything. After hitting rock bottom in 2015 & 2016. This year was the rainbow after storm. I’m glad I got to live this year with the best people on Earth.  I also started my other Instagram account @UmeHani1, something that I wanted to do for a long time. Although I haven’t been able to put in the kind of effort I want to, I’m hoping that in future I will be able to take it to another level.

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26176476_1529531730523972_972367600_nI am so grateful to everyone who has been a part of this year. Some people have been with for a very long time. Others I got to know this year. So I thought who is the person of the year other than my family. Who has been with me the most this year. This doesn’t lessen my affection for my other friends or doesn’t affect their place in my life, but this is just appreciation for the kind gestures this person has done to my 2017. This is you Noor. I am so grateful babe. I don’t think I would have been able to do things on my own. You were by my side the whole time, you became my biggest supporter, you became my photographer, you became the first person I’d go to in IoBM. Thank you so much for everything. This year wouldn’t have been same without you.

It was an incredible year I realized life is not short you just gotta do more!

At the end of year I want to say few things. Exceed expectations it’s not about over achieving but doing that extra step to impress people. Cut toxic people out of life & keep making friends. People who fill you with life & make it worth living. People who are just as crazy as you. Be different, nobody has made a difference in the world by being like everybody else. Don’t be annoyed if people try to be like you, everyone needs someone to look up to. Because nobody is you & that’s your power. I do not care who does it after me I make sure everyone knows I did it first! Don’t be afraid make the fears fear you. Live life to the fullest & do not give anyone the power to put you down. Hold people who love you close to you & never take them for granted. If I stay healthy & In sha Allah I’m blessed with Allah’s mercy like this year. 2018 will be way better than this year. 2017 was  just warming up & starting things now is the time for me to grow & be the best at what I do. I wish & pray to be able to say that this year was the greatest year of my life.

Phoenix Rises From Ashes!

When your dream crashes,

Tears dripping from your eyelashes,

Your heart needs patches,

Its dark & you see no flashes,

Your soul has deep slashes,

To rock bottom your hope dashes,

When your whole existence smashes, 

You think you are what ash is,

Remember Phoenix Rises From Ashes!

 

YOU got to WIN again!

Oh what have you done again? You made yourself feel like this. You heard what they said to you. You let them get to you. You thought too little of you. How could you stop yourself from doing what you love to do. Just because they don’t like what you do. Just because they don’t see what you see. You let the fears get best of you. You let the doubts win from you.  You let them talk you out of your dreams. Oh what have you done!

You saw yourself from their eyes. You let you wear weak disguise!

You need to let it go. You need to get yourself together. You need to do what you want to do. You need to make the fears fear you. You gotta get where you wanted to be. You gotta stop yourself  from burning low. You got to let things flow. You gotta push yourself out of the bed. You got to stop being living dead. You got to try again. You got to fly again. You got to stop believing them. You got to stop underestimating you.  You need to remember the power of you. You got to do what makes you happy.  You gotta grin again.

You gotta win again. Like You did before!

About Exams!

When the time passes & you write,

And you are not blithe nor bright,

I just wanna tear this page & say goodbye,

Sometimes I wanna quit yet I try,

Should be studying but I’m staring at fan thinking deep,

No not again I’m tried I wanna sleep,

I wanna free myself from this pain,

When my mind goes in vain,

I hate test & worst are the exams,

It’s like weight upon me in Kilograms!

 

Written on 11/10/11.

The Mask Of Masculinity

I think society forces men to behave in a certain way that is acceptable. To always be tough & firm no matter what goes on on the inside. So they put on masks, all kinds of masks to cover up their real emotional self. I think this mask limits their complex, real authentic self. It also limits them from sharing what they really feel. This can cause a rage to build in them when they don’t share their suffering or talk about their problems because they feel it’s not okay to be vulnerable. And they can’t be blamed for this they are conditioned to be in a certain way. They are not allowed to be emotional or cry.

Because boys don’t cry right.

So it becomes even harder for them to find a guy friend to open up their true real with. Some are lucky enough to find friends who they can be themselves with. Where as women are talking about insecurities, fears & doubts too often & it’s okay for them. They keep a lot of secrets from a very young age. They need to understand that.

The more you will share the more you’ll heal.

What I’ve realized over the years is that the more you talk about the fear &  problems the less power they have on you. Off course you need to share them only with the people who are loyal to you. Another thing that the society forces the men to do is, to win & always be right. They have a constant pressure to win no matter if it’s a sport, an argument or life in general. This can help them in winning in everything, get the results they want. But also be the reason why other people end up feeling hurt & drive away from them. People generally feel disconnected to a person like this & it’s hard to find meaningful relationships because they become distant from them.

Growing up close to my brothers I’ve realized that they can be the same or even more emotional than some females. That little things you think don’t affect them can keep them up at night. I learnt it slowly that they also need someone to tell their problems to. Someone to be their real self. Some one to rely on. Some one who’d be there for them & will not judge them.

I don’t know how & when it will actually be acceptable in the world to take that mask off to let boys cry when they need to. But for now I guess I would try to show the men in my life be who they are. Tell them it’s OK to cry. Try to encourage them & give them a shoulder to cry on. Because no matter how strong they seem at times they need one. If you notice a man in your life who has become more silent then usual, doesn’t take interest in things he loved or is often angry. Don’t drive away from them. They might need you more than you think.

You did commit a Crime!

My dear you did commit a crime,

I haven’t said this in a long time,

You had my back I thought you were my spine,

But you of all the people made my name grime,

I thought your love was solid but it was sublime,

I defended you & called you mine,

But you left me in nick of time,

Babe you were my prime,

How could you break my trust in no time,

Now I feel heavy like I have a mountain to climb,

You’ll have my back that was your last line,

Should’ve believed you were two faced when I saw the sign,

One day you’ll miss me & you’d be the one writing a rhyme,

My dear you did commit a crime!

 

 

 

 

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